I mean “rap” in the corny old nineties way of having a psuedo-serious discussion, ofc. But seriously, homebros and homebroettes, we need to freaking talk about Chris Evans.

I, much like you, think he’s super great. That dude is Captain America! He was Johnny Storm, he was in The Losers and Not Another Team Movie. He’s handsome, he’s charming, he’s funny, he’s dedicated, and interested in nerdy things. He’s gonna be a motherfucking Avenger and we’ll all dream about him making out with Iron Man. I get it, man. I get it so hard.

Right now, though, I am about to drop some

REAL

MOTHERFUCKING 

TALK

on y’all, so hold onto your butts.

But why don’t I ever hear people talking about his greatest role to date? The movie that some* have called a cinematic tour-de-force. It has some big name Hollywood stars, including Alec Baldwin’s ex-wife, the Transporter, and half of Filliam H. Muffman. This movie has implausible technology and action and comedy and the finest acting this side of Independence Day.

What fucking movie am I talking about? If you don’t know, I feel sorry for that hole in your life you fill with obscure Glee ships or whatever**, but I am about to enrich your life. Because it’s this motherfucking flick right here:

This. This movie. That’s it. That’s the fucking movie. 

Cellular is fucking awesome. If you haven’t seen it, watch it. If you don’t like it, then fuck you. I don’t give a shit about your opinion. I do want to know why you hate happiness and good things in life. Do you just live on top of a hornets’ nest or something? That must fucking suck.

Anyway, Cellular is great and I even have it on VHS. Which, kids, is how i met your mother something we used to watch movies on long before Blu-Ray and well before DVD. We had VHS players called “VCRs” that had programming functions that were the butt of every standup comedian’s jokes for like twenty years. Dark times, man. 

This post is getting carried away. Watch Cellular, or you’re dead to me.

DEAD.